Diary
by Klaine-Blurt
Summary: This is a little something i wrote after watching a play about prop 8. It does contain derogatory language as well as parents who are offensive to their own child - along with a hint of conversion therapy and suicide.
1. Chapter 1

A/N - This came to me after watching a play about prop 8. The warnings are in the description. I haven't put the characters name within this but i personally think it's very clear who this is a slight A/U for. Also i wanted your opinions on whether you would like to see this to be turned into a full length fic, in the form of proper diary entries going into much more detail about the years that are missed out?

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Homosexual: - A person _with a romantic_ or sexual _attraction_ or behavior _between members of the same sex_. Why may you ask at the age of 13 am I looking up the meaning of such a word. Well I've heard people call me precocious many a time; I suppose I'm just living up to that really. I overheard the word on the telly however when I tried to ask my Father what it meant, like normal, he didn't have to time for me.

I stared at the words in front allowing them to go around my mind. I don't know how long I sat there, but I have a feeling it was at least an hour, as it slowly dawned on me that the one words summed up what I was.

I didn't take me long to realize exactly what that meant to me, and I am scared. I know right now that all this can be is bad news. I know that as of right now I don't have any choice but to hide this, hide who I truly am.

I have no one to talk to about any of it, I felt so alone and confused. Today at school things hit home even more. People were taunting me, I'm guessing that right now to them it's just harmless; however to me it is so much more than that. Without realizing it they are taunting me with words that are so close to the truth. I'm sat here crying while writing this is mean, what else can I do when I feel so…so trapped.

Today alone I've been called a Faggot, Homo and a Queer. I wonder at times if I am really starting to believe some of these things about myself.

I'm gay.

So I finally managed to actually state it, in the plainest form possible. I have finally realized that this really isn't something that's going to pass, or something that I can stop or anything. I've realized this is mean, what can I do about it I'm not like the majority.

However just because I'm willing to write in here that I'm gay doesn't mean I'm ready for anyone else to know yet. I mean I'm pretty sure from the things I've occasionally heard my parents say things that lead me to believe they would be very against the fact so far now, until I'm ready I want to keep it to myself.

Why am I still writing in here when it's because of this that my biggest secrete was found out, well to be honest I don't really know. I guess it's just come to mean so much, I've personified you and I feel like everything I actually write here is being said to a person who doesn't judge me. But yes my parents found out today that I'm gay. I mean it all feels so strange right now I had only just given myself to write that three letter word down and within days of doing so I feel like my world is caving in all over again.

I don't think I've ever seen either of my parents looking so upset, or angry. The minute I walked through the door they started yelling and all hell broke loose. The first thing I remember from entering the room was my mother looking at me with complete disgust and saying "you're going to burn in hell." The only why I could describe my feelings right then is to say I was in a state of shock, I mean I have never heard anything like that from my mother. She was basically telling me that she believes I'm in for eternal damnation.

So today my, 14th birthday, my Father told me I've been signed up to NARTH – The National association for reparative therapy for homosexuality, based in Encino, California. I mean I won't be there all the time, it's a type of therapy that in large can be done from home, and then very now and then I will fly to California for individual and group therapy sessions, over a course of a few weeks.

I tried to argue with both him and my mother and it all turned nasty. My mother told me she wished that I'd have been born with Down syndrome or that I had been mentally retarded. I don't think she realizes how much it hurts to hear that coming from the two people who are meant to love me unconditionally no matter who I am.

So I've just got back from my first session with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, I feel mentally drained and if anything even more confused than ever. I recall him telling that that "Homosexuality is incompatible for what god wants for you and what your parents want you to change. He worded it in so many ways but he made it clear that me being gay was nothing but a bad thing, all but confirming my own thoughts from a few months ago.

He keeps telling me I need to suppress homosexuality he just generally goes on about how wrong is it and how badly it will have me looked upon. He told me that I hadn't studies well enough about sexual orientation changing throughout a person's life time. He told me to read scientific studies addressing the concept of sexual orientation.

I hoped things would be slightly better coming home after being there for a few weeks, at least acting like I'm trying. However when my father asked me if he still had a faggot for a son and in the kindest was possible I made it clear I am still gay, well my mother told me she wished she'd had an abortion instead of a gay son.

Of course I didn't chose to go to conversion therapy I mean, right now I don't know who I am properly. Even now the idea that I am in fact gay seems a little weird, and I haven't got my head around it, so have can I decide if I want to stop being something I don't fully understand.

I've tried to communicate with my parents my objections to the counselling treatment but they are having none of it. They are giving me no choices when it comes to this, to them I'm a minor and they are in charge that's all it comes down to. So basically im going to carry on going and for now the only thing I think I can focus on is surviving. Right now I don't have the goal of changing, if I change I want it to be because I've chosen I want to change not because I'm being forced to do so. I think I know deep down that I don't want to change who I'm attracted to ever, I mean this is who I am, the cards I've been dealt. I am in no means deluded by the fact that many people in programs like me don't want to be in them at all.

I mean I know some people say they have effective results and maybe that true, but maybe they are just deciding to hide their true selves in the interest of what others around them want.

The past two years have been hell, but it's over now, or as over as it can be. I've finished with NARTH I'm finished with conversion therapy or anything of its kind. I have just one thing to say about it all I am just as gay as when I started. I think I'm really starting to get use to that about myself, that this really is me and I should be able to be me just the way I was intended.

Looking back now know I never have to go there again I can laugh I mean. Once during one of the group therapy sessions, Nicolosi brought along with him his perfect patient, the one that had been cured – Kelly I think his name was. What I remember about Kelly is that once when Nicolosi stepped out of the room everyone was talking among themselves and Kelly told me that later that night he was going to a gay bar, and that he was just pretending to be cured for the sake of his family.

Laughing aside thought I really do feel like my life over the past few years has fallen apart. I mean the memories of what I almost did to myself still haunt me. I feel like I've somehow lost the world I grew up in. I feel like I've been forced to lose my faith which has always been so important to me. I mean what was I supposed to think when people keep telling me I can't be a Christian and a homosexual. If anything however I also lost my family the thing that had always been the most important to me. Everything just felt like it had stopped; to be honest I think all still is stationary. However now I am in a position to keep taking more back then I wasn't. In the end I realized that if I didn't stop going I wouldn't survive, I would have without a doubt sooner or later killed myself.


	2. Very Important Author Note

Author note:

This is just a little note from me that for many reasons the stories I have on here are being deleted and slowly put onto a new user name **story-of-our-life. **Anything that was a WIP will not be re-added until they have been completed my end, but every WIP I have going will at some point in the future be completed. Life has just taken so turns I didn't expect recently so a new profile seems the way to go


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